ugh

i miss

so, i miss my best friend. idk what happened, or how it happened. but i havent really actually talked to her in like days. i feel like im missing out on like everything. and the other thing is i dont have any more girl friends. ha....i had two, alexa was the best of them, and the other ive been friends with her foor like 7 years now, and as bad as it sounds i think im still friends with her out of habits or something, cause shes never actually really there anymore. i just miss having a girl to talk to. i mean i have friends, but most of them are guys. i cant usually stand girls, but me and this girl were best friends, she was like the only girl i could stand. she was my other half, and i dont have that anymore. i just miss the old days...not to mention, i miss a lot of things and how it used to be. dont get my wrong, i like the way things are going right now, and i am happy, theres just some things that i wish hadnt changed. like there were things i was so sure on before, and now its not so much. and thats what i miss about things before now.

new yearr

okay, so wow. its been months since ive seen this thing.
things are a bit different now. the person i used to think i was so in love with is now gone. yes, in the beginning it was hard to get over, but i moved on. it was easier than i thought it would be. but im better now, im not being treated like shit anymore, me and him are better off friends, i mean he was my best friend for over a year, he knows everything about me..and i mean everything, things not even my family knows, i cant just let go of a friendship like that. but at the end of that, i came out with someone better. and this boy is practically perfect for me. i guess i sound like a little school girl or whatever saying that, but thats how i get around him. which is a change. uhh what else? oh, im back home, things between me and my family is better than i think ever, expecially between me and my brother. hes one person i will go to for anything wihtout any judgement, hes number one in my life no matter what. uhm, well i start school soon, the beginning of feb. cosmetology school. im excited for that for sure...

on irrelevant things, the eagles are so close to going to the superbowl. and im so excited. first the phils, and now maybe, possiblyyyyyy...the eagles ! kdjlasjfldsf im reallly stoked about that. hahaha
i went to the movies tonight with billy, and saw notorious (: ughhh sooo good. uhm so faith evans can beat a bitch up ?! like wowww haha


hmm thats about it, im trying to get a lot of things done before school starts and what not, like before i lose all free time. for instance, sunday im trying to go see ryans band play in doyelstown, you should too. Full Circle ...check them out (:

but on the real note, its like after 3am, and even though i had like 4 red bulls in the matter of like 3 hours, im actually really tired.

new

ive been out of my parents house now, for about 2 or 3 weeks.
and i honestly love it. i like being out on my own, fending for myself.
ive never been so independent in my life.
it feels so good.

i have the love of my life back.
and its better than ever before
i never realized how much i actually missed him until he came back.
when i was without him, i came upon other people
that i somewhat thought would fill the whole
but they never came close, not one bit.

im trying to get my life back in order
and its slowly happening, but i still feel kinda lost.
like there are times where i still feel like im moving forward
but im really just staying in one place.


its working out though, or at least it will eventually.

L0V3

in the past week, ive become aware of the people that matter most to me.
and as bad as it may sound right now, my family is not apart of that group.

BLEH

i need some new excitement in my life. i just keep dwelling on the past. i need to move forward. i need to find a job, and get myself back into order. i need a boy, i cant keep feeling so lonely all the time. i need friends that wont keep walking out and being twofaced, so i know who to trust. i had a conversation with justin lastnight about loveing someone, and im telling him all this advice that sounds right and very logical, when in return i dont follow any of the bullshit that spewed out of my mouth. so wouldnt that make me a hypocrit ? ..once again. it just kept coming out of my mouth, bullshit after bullshit, on how your not supposed to give up on something you love, andddd once you find out what you want everything gets easier. ALL LIES, i know it. i guess thats my way of new excitement. i want something to make me feel alive again. i want someone who makes my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, someone who helps me just be me again, instead of dragging me further into some hole. i cant seem to find anything im looking for anymore. no one even makes me smile or even laugh anymore...and i usually am laughing none stop at everything! ughhhhhh.....and all i want right now is some soup (= even if it is 1030 in the morning haha

B34CH

so, thursday night i went to west chester with will aj and brandon
and as the night soon turned to morning, we found ourselves in new jersey
spending all of friday, morning to evening.

ive come to the conclusion,
that maybe i need to cut back on the partying.
because when im drunk, i make irrational decisions.
which at the time are so much fun, but when i come back down off of that cloud
i begin to realize the downfalls of my past actions.

dont get me wrong, thursday to friday
i dont think i have ever laughed so hard in an entire 2 days
in my life.
i was starving, delerious and so tired
but yet, my laugh never seemed to be under control
and that is when my life starts to fall into place
even under all that chaos.


and what is killing me most out of this entire mess my life has become.
i dont have the one person, who once before was the light at the end of my tunnel
i was so close to having everything ive ever wanted, and then we faded
and now everything is in one hole.



i am such a mess.
i know ive said this many times,
but seriously this is a new beginning!