BLEH

i need some new excitement in my life. i just keep dwelling on the past. i need to move forward. i need to find a job, and get myself back into order. i need a boy, i cant keep feeling so lonely all the time. i need friends that wont keep walking out and being twofaced, so i know who to trust. i had a conversation with justin lastnight about loveing someone, and im telling him all this advice that sounds right and very logical, when in return i dont follow any of the bullshit that spewed out of my mouth. so wouldnt that make me a hypocrit ? ..once again. it just kept coming out of my mouth, bullshit after bullshit, on how your not supposed to give up on something you love, andddd once you find out what you want everything gets easier. ALL LIES, i know it. i guess thats my way of new excitement. i want something to make me feel alive again. i want someone who makes my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, someone who helps me just be me again, instead of dragging me further into some hole. i cant seem to find anything im looking for anymore. no one even makes me smile or even laugh anymore...and i usually am laughing none stop at everything! ughhhhhh.....and all i want right now is some soup (= even if it is 1030 in the morning haha