new

ive been out of my parents house now, for about 2 or 3 weeks.
and i honestly love it. i like being out on my own, fending for myself.
ive never been so independent in my life.
it feels so good.

i have the love of my life back.
and its better than ever before
i never realized how much i actually missed him until he came back.
when i was without him, i came upon other people
that i somewhat thought would fill the whole
but they never came close, not one bit.

im trying to get my life back in order
and its slowly happening, but i still feel kinda lost.
like there are times where i still feel like im moving forward
but im really just staying in one place.


its working out though, or at least it will eventually.

L0V3

in the past week, ive become aware of the people that matter most to me.
and as bad as it may sound right now, my family is not apart of that group.

BLEH

i need some new excitement in my life. i just keep dwelling on the past. i need to move forward. i need to find a job, and get myself back into order. i need a boy, i cant keep feeling so lonely all the time. i need friends that wont keep walking out and being twofaced, so i know who to trust. i had a conversation with justin lastnight about loveing someone, and im telling him all this advice that sounds right and very logical, when in return i dont follow any of the bullshit that spewed out of my mouth. so wouldnt that make me a hypocrit ? ..once again. it just kept coming out of my mouth, bullshit after bullshit, on how your not supposed to give up on something you love, andddd once you find out what you want everything gets easier. ALL LIES, i know it. i guess thats my way of new excitement. i want something to make me feel alive again. i want someone who makes my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, someone who helps me just be me again, instead of dragging me further into some hole. i cant seem to find anything im looking for anymore. no one even makes me smile or even laugh anymore...and i usually am laughing none stop at everything! ughhhhhh.....and all i want right now is some soup (= even if it is 1030 in the morning haha

B34CH

so, thursday night i went to west chester with will aj and brandon
and as the night soon turned to morning, we found ourselves in new jersey
spending all of friday, morning to evening.

ive come to the conclusion,
that maybe i need to cut back on the partying.
because when im drunk, i make irrational decisions.
which at the time are so much fun, but when i come back down off of that cloud
i begin to realize the downfalls of my past actions.

dont get me wrong, thursday to friday
i dont think i have ever laughed so hard in an entire 2 days
in my life.
i was starving, delerious and so tired
but yet, my laugh never seemed to be under control
and that is when my life starts to fall into place
even under all that chaos.


and what is killing me most out of this entire mess my life has become.
i dont have the one person, who once before was the light at the end of my tunnel
i was so close to having everything ive ever wanted, and then we faded
and now everything is in one hole.



i am such a mess.
i know ive said this many times,
but seriously this is a new beginning!

H4PPY

lastnight, i realized i cant get over my past.
which sucks.
not being able to get over the past makes it difficult to move forward.

i really truely thought i had completely moved on
and i thought i found someone else.
i havent moved on.
but i have found someone.
im not sure if its going to be any near close to the same
but its worth giving a shot i think ?
i need to let myself be happy again

and honestly, i havent been really honest to god happy,
since a while noww.
and thats really all i want.

FR35H

alright, im starting fresh.
i need a new job.
i need to pay fucking fines off.
and get my car fixed, from my fucking crash.

usually, i dont get so stressed out.
but i really cant help it, and whenever i was..
all i had to do was just listen to music, and id calm.
i keep playing and nothing is working.

im a mess.

but im in the process of getting everything back into place.
im waking in the morning to the exact same things and the exact same faces.
im not saying that those faces arent what i want to see.
theyre all i know.
but i need something new
i need a new scenery.
id love to be in a city, or even the beach.
theyre kinda opposite, but both would work perfectly.
and if that cant even work out for me,
then how about just a whole day or two away from here.
take me.